Day 54 Part 2

Another longgggg dayyyyyy atttttt cliniccccc, but it was a good one.  Pain was kept in check and we had a relaxingish day of treatment.  It's weird though.  I kept asking Kyle and Theresa (even though she wasn't here) what I looked like this past week?  Strange question I know, but I feel like everyone is kinda tip toeing around me a bit the last couple days.  I mean, I know I was in a tonne of pain but I wondered what it was like to look at me.  When someone looked at me, were they like huh she looks like shit.  It's hard to put in to words what I want to convey here so I think I'll just leave it alone :)  I'd blame this on "high" talk but I haven't had a pill in a few hours   haha

Anywho, felt pretty good after clinic so was able to take Theresa out to Titos, another one of our fav places to eat.  We used our reg guy Enrique and he actually sat down and ate with us.  We've asked before of other drivers we've used but they ususally won't.  He's kinda like an uncle so it just felt normal having him eat with us.  

Well, dear folks, off to rest and look at pics of my babies before hitting the hay. 

FUCK CANCER

I DO NOT HAVE A FUCKING EXPIRATION DATE MARKED ON THE BOTTOM OF MY FOOT

HANTS COUNTY STRONG

Much Love

xoxo

Tree getting her taco :)

Day 54 Part 1 To My MOMMA

My momma deserves a big ole shout out this am.  As most know it's been a crappy week or so for me and all along mom's been dealing with a tenacious 1.5 year old load full of sweetness who doesn't want to stay in his crib and keeping it to herself.

That is tough in itself, as parents we second guess every friggin decision we make.  Is it to soon to change the crib? Is he ready?  Well it's obviously safer to have him not climb out? but Oh so much easier when he is asleep and contained? And now she's trying to make that decision with all of us in mind.

But then add to that your daughter (that'd be me) having a rough time of it anyway and I complain that I'm sad I'm missing that moment, that changing of the bed to toddler bed, that excitement of a BIG BOY BED!!!  eek

We've been making decisions hand in hand but sometimes momma instinct comes in to play and right now you are in that role Momma, you raised some pretty awesome kids if I must say so myself so I know you've got this and we trust in you and your judgement. We appreciate you and are so very grateful for taking care of our babies.  Thanks momma xoxo

Day 53

I don't even know if I should say this out loud but it was by far the best day pain wise in over a week. I was on top of my meds and when I felt a "breakthrough" pain coming I took the early pill and managed my pain...what a concept eh!!  I am actually still feeling really good and have been up sitting, walking around and being so unbelievably MOBILE!!!!! Eeeek, I don't want to jinx it but it was great to share.  I still feel very different while taking the morphine but I was able to keep me eyes open and have a great chat with Livi Loo this afternoon, was so great to see her face and have a chat. I also woke up nice and early with a clear head and was able to have a chat with Grade.  Great day all around!!

It was however a strange day at clinic, there was weird vibe all day.  Can't put my finger on it but there was something up.  I will use my deduction skills and figure it out tomorrow.  

My bruising is starting to go away some with only a few new ones showing up here and there, my blood is low again but will keep checking and I only have 2 days of Radiation left.  Phew.

Been a long few days at clinic not getting out of there until well after 4pm so am feeling the drain on top of everything else.

Theresa just went to "rest her eyes" and  was out cold in minutes.  Yes I did get a pic and yes I will post on fb...haha

Coming at ya!!!

FUCK CANCER!

I DO NOT HAVE A FUCKING EXPIRATION DATE MARKED ON THE BOTTOM OF MY FOOT!

Much Love
xoxo

Day 52

Well ma sister made it in last night and as when Mand came I had verbal dihreaa and couldn't stop talking.  Must say everything I haven't said in 7 weeks right this SECOND!!!!!! As she was falling asleep I was still talking.  Needless to say I didn't really get much sleep last night as I was a bit hyped and every time I woke up and she did I may have started again.  haha.  Oh well

It was great being able to reach out and touch her knowing she was there.  We woke up early and had a little snack on the fancy 5th floor again.  I was feeling pretty good so we decided to head back on over to the Marriott so Theresa could experience the brunch.  Unfortunately I had a bad pain attack happen while there so we had to head back to the hotel.  I really try to stick to the 8hr schedule but was told yet again if a moment comes in between to take the friggin pill and then continue one with the next scheduled one.  I did that and although spent the rest of the afternoon in bed, it did work and was able to take a scoot down to the lounge for a snack and hang out for a little bit.  Theresa was able to relax pool side for a bit and Kyle went BACK to the gym......yes I said back!!  He was there this am then went back after brunch.  Super proud of him!!!

Tree and I are now back in the room patiently waiting for the walking dead to show up on some free tv thing.

One hard part for me is how I am reacting, or how I feel while taking the pain meds.  I do not feel like myself and feel out of er.  So I've been avoiding talking to the kids.  Horrible I know but I don't want them to see a different mommy and where Livi is so perceptive I know she'd pick right up on it. Frig a dig, always something eh.

Tomorrow is back to clinic and I'll be taking my sister for the day as she wants to see how things go and what my day is like.  I know I have slacked on getting pics of me in treatments so I'll get her to grab some tomorrow so I can share what my day is like.

FUCK CANCER

I DO NOT HAVE A FUCKING EXPIRATION DATE MARKED ON THE BOTTOM OF MY FOOT!

HANTS COUNTY STRONG

Much Love
xoxo

ADDED: 9 Pm TJ TIME

This is Theresa,  Theresa is agressively eating this apple......Theresa is also over 36hrs without a cigarette.....I wonder why she is agressively eatting this apple.....hummmmm

Day 51

Great day all around.  Pain is so much more manageable and I only spent part of the day drooling from my meds...haha  Such a light weight I am.

Theresa is almost here, Chad and Mandy surprised us with Saturday nights at my happy place in TJ (the mother fucking Lucerna), I was able to sit at the supper table for a a whole meal and now I'm relaxing in a comfy bed with Air Conditioning waiting for ma baby sister to arrive.  Must keep eyes open!!!!!

Treatments are going along as usual besides No chamber for the last week which kinda sucks but I'll catch it all up once I'm feeling better.

Think I'll have a nap and prepare for the next couple days.

Thank you everyone for all of the encouragement over the last week, it was definitley needed and so very much appreciated to help get us through.  It's hard being scared but I found even harder to admit I was so scared for those few days.  So Thank you yet again for all the help my dear sweet army!!!

FUCK CANCER!

I DO NOT HAVE A FUCKING EXPIRATION DATE MARKED ON THE BOTTOM OF MY FOOT!

Much Love
xoxo

EDIT: 

She's here!!!!!

Day 50

Much better day pain wise.  What I have found out is I will never be a prescription drug abuser, holy heck.  Mildest dose and I get knocked on me butt......literally napped all friggin day long.  I'm almost positive the radiation tech thought I was out of her.  Especially after he heled get me up and saw all the droll all over the pillow, how delightful.

.....and that my friends is why this is a short one, I can barely keep my eyes open so am going to listen and close them up.

Please be assured I was like a 4-5 on the pain scale today as opposed to a 9-10 of yesterday, tomorrow we're aiming for 1-2  :)

Well that and MA SISTA ARRIVES LATE TOMORROW NIGHT, hopefully you can actually see me awake Tree :)

FUCK CANCER

I DO NOT HAVE A FUCKING EXPIRATION DATE MARKED ON THE BOTTOM OF MY FOOT

Much Love
xoxo

Day 49 Putting it all out on the table tonight.....

The last few days have been horrible.  Horribly crappy and I've just been pissed and sad and upset and just plain scared.  I've not experienced pain like this before and it has only intensified in the last few days.  In my mind every new pain means more cancer, more scary fucking cancer.  The doctors and nurses did their best to control and maintain it but were unable to really get in front of it.  I met with a pain guy today and am now on a special regiment that should help ease things.  What's causing it?  I had a scan yesterday of my spine and have a couple other spots of concern, one trying to break through the membrane which is causing the nastiness.  Regardless I'm back for radiation which should help and I can heal again.  For the most part I'm still doing my day to day treatments when possibly so ticking away like normal(ish) considering I want to rip everyones smiling fucking face off :)  kidding

I try so hard to think, there is always someone worse and not dwell on just me, it's not all about me but I have to say it was a little difficult to remember that the last couple days.  I have been babied beyond belief by my nurses, dr, roommates, Kyle and everyone so to you all Thank you!!!! I really needed the pick me ups yesterday.

Shitty part is when i feet like this I just want to run home, run home to my babies!!! I do still feel this is where I need to be but I lose myself in wanting them and wanting home.  I don't want the FUCKING CANCER TO win and WIN YOU WILLLLLLL NOTTTTT

I DO NOT WANT TO DIE AND I WILL NOT LET YOU TAKE ME!!!!!

When I picture my life, I mean really picture it I only see me and my family years down the road.  I see many years watching my babies grow, Kyle and I growing old pestering the shit out of each other.  Enjoying our friends and families and just plain living the good fucking LIFE!!!!

Had a g ood chat with my momma tonight (everyone still needs this mom) and she helped get my head back in the game and back at er.

So moving forward.  You had your down days and it's time to buck the fuck up and get on it.  Get this pain under control or get high trying (haha)

FUCK CANCER

I DO NOT HAVE A FUCKING EXPIRATOIN DATE MARKED ON THE BOTTOM OF MY FOOT

Much Love
xoxox

CANCER, you can go FUCK YOURSELF!!!!

Day 48

Thank you all for the love today sweet folks, it was a toughy and just now getting down to bed.
I'll fill ya's in on todays events tomorrow I promise.

FUCK CANCER

I DO  NOT HAVE A FUCKING EXPIRATION DATE MARKED ON THE BOTTOM OF MY FOOT!!

Much Love
xoxo

Day 47

Well, I said I'd be honest on this thing so here goes.  Today was the worst day yet symptom wise.  Yesterday afternoon I started getting pain in between my shoulder blades.  Nothing crazy but there none the less.  I chopped it up to some anxiety over the brusing and the fact that people were irritaing the shit out of me (shocking I know) So I figured I was holding it in my neck and no worries.  As the night went on things got worse and this am I was having bad pain from the top of my neck right down to my hips and spread out from there.

Upon walking in the clinic my nurse knew something was up put me down on a bed and started the lamps on me.  She then got Dr.A right in to have a chat.  They talked and felt that it may be becuase of bone marrow working overdrive to do it's job.  I was given a pain shot which lasted a couple hours.  Right after lunch they started my plasma (to help with the bruising) once they started that it's a long ole process.  All for the greater good right.  Anywho, my problem has always been I don't like taking meds, any kind of meds, I don't like to be wonky off meds and hate that feeling of not being in control (that's why this momma was off pain meds 1 week post op) So needless to say I buck the hard stuff and try to make it through.  My usually laid back Dr. was having none of that this afternoon and TOLD me what was going to take place.  In the end I agreed and said it's just a tool to help get me where I'm going.  So I have some stronger meds tonight and will meet with the pain specialist tomorrow as well as another guy to make sure we know what is causing the pain.  Very much up top of things they are.  

Other crappy part was because of this long ass day I didn't get to spend any time with M before she left but we did get to go to Mr.PamPas which was delightful.  My poor doc just shook his head when I said I was leaving clinic to go to PamPas to eat.....pain or no pain a girls gotta eat right.

This is the Brazilian restaurant where you have a little sign that you roll to si(Yes) if you want food them to keep bringing it and no if you want them to stop.   They just keep coming with all these different cuts of meats, grilled to delicious goodness.  I happen to love shrimp and the last time we were there obviously made an impression on one young fella (I may have hugged him when he gave me a whole skewer of shrimp) so when he saw me at the table he says "oh shrimp" and ran to get me my shrimp.  How stinking cute is that.

I did get to enjoy Mand at supper before she left :(  Thank you so very much for coming to visit us here.  I know it's difficult to take time away and I know you didn't want to leave me but I hope you Saw that I am in good hands and will be coming HOME BETTER THEN EVER BABY.
Love you so very much and have a safeeeeee flight xoxoxox

Anywho, sweet people, this gal is going to try and sleep for a bit and prepare for a better day tomorrow

FUCK CANCER

I DO NOT HAVE A FUCKING EXPIRATION DATE MARKED ON THE BOTTOM OF MY FOOT

Much Love
xoxo

Day 47 Warning:Nasty Bruise pic included :)

A long ole day at the clinic today.  Chamber days always seem to take so long and drag on.  Been having trouble with bruising so first things my nurses wanted to check me over, they were on top of it and had the doc right in and my blood sent off right away.  I actually lost count at 30 bruises on one leg this am :) fun fun

Anywho, my platlettes are low and another value I can't remember the name of.  I am on some shots now and they will check my blood regularly to keep a close eye on it.  I was told to be careful (I had a small cut that wouldn't stop bleeding....can you imagine telling me to be careful....jumping jesus not sure how this will go over)

Unfortunately the specialist that was brought in today said no chemo until it's back around.  Which means I've now basically lost a round which kinda sucks.  I hope it doesn't set me back any.  Dr. Bautista is adamant that everything be good before we do it again and I trust his judgement (otherwise I would't be here right) So onward and upward dear folks :)

After clinic we were able to take Mand out to Playas Beach and hit up a local spot Titos.  Delicious seafood at a great price.  So delish.  We then had a quick jaunt around a local store, to the beach for a little walk.  We were then driven by the youngest cab drive of life (seriously, no english and we kept asking his age...haha...poor fella had a winnie the poo steering wheel cover....hi-fucking-larious) back to the apartment for relaxing.

M was able to come in with me to meet the dr and the specialists today, so pretty great she gets to see how things run and the day to day so to speak.

I haven't been sleeping and tonight am going to try some drop things.....here's hoping :)

FUCK CANCER

I DO NOT HAVE A FUCKING EXPIRATION DATE MARKED ON THE BOTTOM OF MY FOOT

Much Love
xoxo

Kyle and the wittle cab driver :)

Me and Mand rocking our drinks (mine is caffine free tea tonight)

My delicious fish, yummy

A few bruise pics to show ya the good side of things 

Purdy eh

Day 46 Sunday=Fun-day today baby!

We had a great evening at the hotel, I actuallllllllyyyyyy slept for at least 7 hours.  I was up lots but for the most part went right back to sleep!!!  Waking up seeing 8:22 on the clock was awesome!!!

We ended up at the Marriott for brunch, relaxed and ate for a good two hours...haha....then decided to head to the beach area for some shopping and more food!!!  Found some gems along the way and my husband dickered like crazy...go Kyle....they all fucking remember him and love him....for christs sakes!!!  haha

By that time it was food time again and ended up at a restaurant with a delightful view of the water.  We went for the special which really wasn't that great (teeny tiny lobsters with like no meat)  What meat we did get was good but for that view I'd so go there again.  It was a great afternoon, with some even better people! I had so much energy today and am still kicking, it's quite nice as after the last coupe weeks of no energy I was starting to wonder when it will be back.

So, me thinks tomorrow will be another great day of CANCER kicking fucking fuckers.....packman do your shit.....hoping my blood is good for another round of chemo.  The bruising has me a little worried just as I don't want my counts offs.  Shoot me some good blood count thoughts please.

Anywho, going to chill for a while and maybe think about what I'll eat next.....haha

FUCK CANCER

I DO NOT HAVE A FUCKING EXPIRATION DATE MARKED ON THE BOTTOM OF MY FOOT!!

Much Love
xoxo

Day 45

Had a fab-U-lous evening tonight.  Mand and I booked the Lucerna for a girls night.  Ate lots of delicious food, had some belly laughs and enjoyed coffee by the pool.  Finished up in the 5th floor lounge (big timers, fuck yea) and now relaxing in the comfy beds just hanging out.  De-FUCKING-lightful!!!

Clinc was good today, went pretty quick.  Have had some trouble with brusing that was noticed yesterday. The checked my blood today and something was off (horrible cancer patient cannot remember what as I really wasn't paying attention when the doctor was talking to as it was too fucking hot) and causing th brusing and not clotting of a small cut.  I'm sure a smart nurse friend will be able to fill in the blanks.  If not I do have it written down to talk to the Doctor about on Monday (so ya'll don't panic I will fill you in later)  The weekend Doctor was super great though and was insistant I have his info should anything happen over the next 36 hours I can get in touch with him.  I do have Dr.Bautistas email as we sometimes communicate that was but Dr.D said no way call him right away.  Such great people taking care of me.

Anywho, I am hoping tonight is my night for osme much needed sleep, the last couple weeks haven't been great in that department.  

Tomorrow we brunch at the Mariott and are heading to the beach for the day for some shopping and lobster!!!!

Oh and I totally had another coffee tonight....fuck me it was delicious!!! (bad cancer patient....bad)

FUCK CANCER

I DO NOT HAVE A FUCKING EXPIRATION DATE MARKED ON THE BOTTOM OF MY FOOT!!!

Much Love

xoxo

Day 44

Woke up wired and I mean wired!!  Still so very excited from seeing Mand.  Kyle and Liv had a great big plan (and apparently everyone in Hants Co knew, ya jerks)  Kyles initial plan was to tell me that Jose (a driver with the clinic) was taking him to a soccer game, he was going to then sneak Mandy in to the apartment and she was going to jump in to bed with me.  haha

Well, my dear sweet baby girl spilled the beans.  While talking to her on Skype she asked me "Is Mandy there yet momma"  SAY WHAT CHILD!!!  Then repeated.  Mom and Kyle started to try to cover but as soon as I looked at the back of Kyles head and saw the red ears and neck I friggin knew. Anywho, ear to ear grins and happiness.  So we basically have visitors for two friggin weeks as Theresa comes end of next.  Yay, makes this so much easier having them here and being able to just touch them!!  (not in a weird stroking of leg kinda way.....well maybe if the need strikes, I do like to cuddle :) ) 

So I woke up today super energized (only a few hours of sleep) and was wound all day.  Poor Mand just wanted to sleep and I had verbal diahrea, must say everything I've been wanting to talk about for 6 weeks!! haha

Right now we are laying on the click clack couch both on our ipads and it's so very comforting. xoxoxo

Going to take her out to PamPas the Brazilian place to enjoy the delicious goodness that is grilled skewered meat brought to your table in large quantities.  

2 Angels received their wings this week.  Fly high fighters xo

FUCK CANCER!!

I DO NOT HAVE A FUCKING EXPIRATION DAT MARKED ON THE BOTTOM OF MY FOOT!!!

HANTS COUNTY STRONG

Much Love

xoxo

Day 43

So best surprise ever......Mandy is here!!!! Yay fucking yay!!!  I had no idea what was being planned as Kyle and Mandy did this as a surprise.  I did however find out tonight 4 hours before she arrived as my sweet baby girl asked if Mandy was here yet.  haha.

Poor Kyle was a little upset that his plan didn't work out but I'm so excited and so happppppppppyyyyy she is here.

Anywho, it's late and I'm to wound to write, so until tomorrow sweet people.

FUCK CANCER

I DO NOT HAVE A FUCKING EXPIRATION DATE MARKED ON THE BOTTOM OF MY FOOT

Much Love
xoxo

Day 42 Would have been home day

Since we left I've been counting down 42 days (6 weeks) (1008 hours) (60480 seconds)
Whichever way you look at it I figured tomorrow we'd be jumping on a plane heading home.  Now we're in for 3 more weeks.  I still feel very strongly that it is the right choice, just missing home and everyone there but the best part for me is when I think of my life I see it years down the road.  I see myself running around with my babies living a completely normal (well as normal as I'll ever be) life....and that future is more vivid ad alive every day.

It's not without struggles (fucking angry bowls again this evening, I may have over ate shrimp at the Brazilian restaurant) but who doesn't!  We all do people and we all have to find the balance and make it work.

So tonight, I am thankful we have the opportunity to do what we are doing, thankful for my hubby (although I want to throat punch him this evening), thankful for the delicious Shrimp I had for supper and even more thankful I found some really great crackers and a jam I could chow down on before bed.

My doctor decided even though my blood counts are all good he wants to wait until next week to start  the chemo again.  He would really like to see more improvement in radiation side effects before he starts hitting me with it again.  Even though I want it all as much as I can get I am trusting in him and the fact that he has my best interest at heart.

Anywho, I haven't been sleeping well so going to try and go now and get as many naps in as I can before day break.

FUCK CANCER

I DO NOT HAVE A FUCKING EXPIRATION DATE MARKED ON THE BOTTOM OF MY FOOT!

Much Love
xoxo

Day 41

It happened, I fucking farted today without fear of running to the washroom!!  Yup, gross but oh so wonderful!  I will not jinx the rest of the evening but after the week I had and that first little one sneaked out and it was okay, I've been letting it go wherever I may be.  I apologize to K at the front desk at the clinic and all who walked behind me on the way home.  haha

Today was not so bad, after lunch I got the tummy rumbles but all seemed okay, still very low on energy as the walk home and the stairs at the apartment just fucking exhaust me.  With that all said I haven't been able to go anywhere since last week for fear poop so am thinking we might try and get to a local organic cafe thingy close by to have a look at what they offer.

I also wanted to give a shout out ot everyone back at home still keeping shit together for us.  I have always believed it takes a "community" to raise a family but after going through this all I know just how important you all are to usand to our family.  I really thought I would be more worried on a daily basis about "what's going on now?" "what are they doing?" but it's been okay and manageable and left me to focus on why we are here and what I must do to get our asses back home heatlhy.  So another big thank you to you all for taking care of our most precious gifts. xoxoxoxo

Today my dear sweet hubby did what he does and geared us up for another week here in TJ.  The did our laundry and did a bunch of running around so we can have groceries and stuff.  God love him and his patience. Kyle my love you are by far the best hubby a girl could ever ask for and am so blessed to have you in my life xoxoxo

Alrighty, enough for this evening, going to read and reax a bit before we head out.

FUCK CANCER!

I DO NOT HAVE A FUCKING EXPIRATION DATE MARKED ON THE BOTTOM OF MY FOOT!!!

Much Love
xoxo

Day 40

WARNING:  MORE TMI TODAY

Blah day, I'm cranky and tired today.  I've been having side effects from the radiation, specifically lots of running to the bathroom.  I've been keeping food going in but it comes back out just as quickly.  Started pumping me full of more ivs and stuff to get it under control.  Been over a week off and on but has really ramped up this afternoon.  My body is weak the last couple days and we are holding off on round 2 of Chemo until this is under control.

I've also decided to say fuck you to my diet this evening and am having a nice ole hamburger and fries!!! That's right, FUCK YOU CANCER!!  You may be making me feel like this but I'ma going to enjoy that fucking burger...oh yea baby!!!  Tomorrow will be back on good food, today I make myself feel better by gorging on nastiness!!!

So anywho, if you want me I'm patiently waiting for Kyle to get back with ma burger!! Woot fucking woot!

FUCK CANCER

I DO NOT HAVE A FUCKING EXPIRATION DATE MARKED ON THE BOTTOM OF MY FOOT!

Much Love
xoxo

EDIT: After supper splurge thoughts:

Instant pain in belly: fuck yea
Feeling need to run to washroom: fuck yea
Fucks given: 0
Regrets: Fuck NO



To sweet BM,

There are so many things I want to say to you, we've not super close but I've been one of your main supporters off in the wings cheering you on and watching you fight.  I am praying for you both and want to say I love you xoxoxo

Day 39 Sunday=Rest Day

A lazy ole day today, through the night it wasn't to bad and actually got some sleep last night.  Was up early to check on my overnighter oats and bone broth that had been simmering all night.  All looked pretty fucking good if I say so myself.

Laid around most of the day and just took it easy.  It was a hot ole one today so after a few days of not feeling great decided it best to stay put and try to rest my body.  For the most part the day was good but things started up again around supper time. Grrr...I'm going to start taking it as a personal fucking challenge to get my bowls working alright again :)

Just had my homemade chicken bone broth soup for supper.  Must say it was pretty friggin good!!!  Delish actually.  Feels good to make something tasty :)  Now I have a good meal that I can eat daily already prepped, might start the next one tomorrow so we don't run out :)

Anywho, start Day 1 of 3 of chemo tomorrow so will sign off and prepare for the next few days.

FUCK CANCER!

I DO NOT HAVE A FUCKING EXPIRATION DATE MARKED ON THE BOTTOM OF MY FOOT!!

Much Love
xoxo

Day 38

Today at clinic was a good day.  Felt pretty good physically after such a crappy evening.  Was back on mission after a super refresher with Livi Loo and Momma.  Unfortunately after clinic hasn't been so great, not feeling good and things just not working right tonight.  We spent the afternoon at the apartment :)  Sent home with lotsa meds to control spasms, pain and all the good stuff so taking the rest and going to take it easy the rest of the weekend.

Kyle put in a super day of getting more supplies to appease his wife and her craving for these paleo breakfast bars things (they turned out delicious by the way) and getting the stuff so we could make a chicken bone broth.  The chicken roasted up nicely and the carcus is now doing it's job!!!

Anywho, sweet folks...signing off early again tonight

FUCK CANCER

I DO NOT HAVE A FUCKING EXPIRATION DATE MARKED ON THE BOTTOM OF MY FOOT!!

Much Love
xoxo

Day 37 Goodbyes

Well they are off and at the airport.  I didn't end up going (my TMI from last week is the complete opposite now, wonderful eh) so I didn't stray to far from the apartment

It was such a great week having Liv and Mom here, such a refresher and just the reminder we needed to keep on keeping on!!!!

It was so nice to be able to touch them, feel them, smell them!  Gah, on to the next 4 weeks

Thank you momma for coming and bringing one of my babies to me. Thank you to Grampys x2 and Gram plus everyone at home holding down the fort yet again.  xoxo

Sorry again folks, it's another short one, I'm tired and am going to lay down and read a bit tonight. Go live in Nora Roberts world for a bit.

FUCK CANCER

I DO NOT HAVE A FUCKING EXPIRATION DATE MARKED ON THE BOTTOM OF MY FOOT!!

Much Love
xoxo

Day 36 Another Big D Made

So the decision was made to stay an extra 3 weeks for 9 total.  He mentioned today that he wanted me for 12 weeks but think I'll go with 9 and revisit it again down the road.  We asked the question blatant and he said that yes I should stay.  I've been doing really well but with the severity of my cancer I need more.  It was not a decision made lightly as it doesn't just effect us.  It effects each and every one who is helping us out, each and every supporter and person in our Army.  We've been lead by gut instinct since this first started so why ignore it now!!

Can't fucking imagine saying I HAVE CANCER AND AM RECEIVING TREATMENT IN TIJUANA, MEXICO

Anywho, out to the last supper with Livi loo and momma so going to enjoy them,

Ciao, until tomorrow sweet folks!


FUCK YOU CANCER!!!  You may think you'll take my spirit but it will never FUCKING HAPPEN!!!

I DO NOT HAVE A FUCKING EXPIRATION DATE MARKED ON THE BOTTOM OF MY FOOT!!

HANTS COUTY STRONG!

Much Love
xoxo

Day 35

2 sleeps left with my loves :(
Boo but it's been great.  Kyle took Liv and Mom back to Roserita today to do some shopping and look for the kids stuff at the local mall there.  Although they didn't find the kids fun stuff at the mall they did find me some undies....yes undies...apparently every woman in Tijuana wears thongs in some manner or another so try finding something that covers your ass.  Well Thank you walmart this momma now does :)

I had a longer day in treatment and afterwards we went to the local mall to Mini City.  At first Kyle was hesitant to take Livi in as they take you in groups, which wasn't working as they all speak in Spanish, this one young fella that works there took Kyle and Liv through on their own.  It ended up being a super crazy awesome place for Kids and we're hoping to go back tomorrow.  It basically is a little mini city for children.  They can buy cars and go get gas, take it through the car wash, go get their hair done, go to culinary school, report the news, be on a radio station, be on tv, weather station, make pizzas, be a cashier, rock climb (with proper footware) slides and so much friggin more!!!!  We are so going back tomorrow and I'm going it.  It's so amazing to see all the different things available to children and families here.

That and every fucking person dresses up to go every-fucking-where.  Apparently fancyish dress, with sketchers sneakers, no make up or jewelry and a large stuffed pink back back while wearing my fav granny sweater is "not acceptable attire" in Tj...haha...tomorrow I will take a change of clothes and pay to have my makeup done  haha....but seriously it's so very great to see all the families out and about all done to the nines just to hang at the mall.

Best time in 5 weeks was spent cuddling in a lounge chair with livi snuggled in her blankie.  We just snuggled and talked.  So great to spend that time with her.  Just wish my boy was here.  It's been so busy with Livi that I feel like I haven't seen him in days, missing his sweet smile and hugs.

It was cute tonight while lounging the concierge came over and said I didn't know Livia was your daughter.  Liv has been here 4 nights and the staff all know her..haha...that's my girl.

Anywho, off to snuggle my baby to sleep.

FUCK CANCER

I DO NOT HAVE A FUCKING EXPIRATION DATE MARKED ON THE BOTTOM OF MY FOOT!

Much Love
xoxo

Day 34

I chopped my hair!!!!  Right the fuck off!!!  I've not been a vain person (at least I don't think I am) so my hair thinning like wasn't a vanity issue but more of an annoyance issue.  I was sick of touching my head and having handfuls of hair, sick of nasty shower water backing up because of the drain being filled and generally annoyed with seeing my hair all over the fucking place!  So I chopped the bitch!!! Annnnnddddd IIIIIII loveeeee it!

Now to test it out in the shower!

Anywho, was feeling lots better during the day then things started again this afternoon making for another low key evening, hoping tomorrow night is my night and we can get back to the beach.  Even if it's not I think I'll just try to barrel through it.  We'd really like to get back at the beach and back to a shopping place that mom wants to look at again.

It's been such a great few days with mom and Livi loo here even though I don't get a tonne of time with them, the time we have had is great.  They are both very patient with tired momma :)

Good night sweet folks!

FUCK CANCER

I DO NOT HAVE A FUCKING EXPIRATION DATE MARKED ON THE BOTTOM OF MY FOOT!!

HANTS COUNTY STRONG

Much Love
xoxo

Day 33

I'm tuckered right out and not feeling great today so it's a short one sweet folks.  Feels a little crappy not being able to go out and run around with Liv and Mom while here but I guess that's the point in the long run right.

Mom met everyone at the clinic today and had a good chat with my Doctor.  I think it was good for her to see it all and see how it works there.  It is a comfortable place and I never feel like I'm not being taken care of.  I'm sure mom will fill ya's in with more :)

Anywho, going to have some food and lay back down, nighty night

FUCK CANCER

I DO NOT HAVE A FUCKING EXPIRATION DATE MARKED ON THE BOTTOM OF MY FOOT!!

Much Love
xoxo

Day 32

Over and out!!!  What a wonderful morning waking up to my beautiful baby girl in my arms.  Only thing missing was Grader Grade.
It was a super awesome day starting with brunch at the hotel, hanging out by the pool for a bit, then out on our adventure to find a beach for liv to stick her toes in the sand.  It was a bit of a hike but well worth it.  Liv hit the sand and hands were in.  Spent 20 pure bliss minutes sitting by myself watching Liv run around on the beach.  (Mom and Kyle went looking for a bathroom)

After they returned I was only good for another 20 mins or so because of the sun, My nurse warned me to not sit out in it.  What I did get was delightful and warm and so very great as Mom and Livi were there.  We left Kyle and Liv to play in the sand while mom and I went in search of shade.  Found some on the little board walk with a cut up mango.  When Liv and Kyle came back we got a couple coconuts, drinking out the water then eating the flesh with lime. Delish.

Decided to then go for our Lobster dinner but that didn't work out.  I had told Liv she could have whatever she wanted for supper and that was chicken nuggets.  Well the fish places had no pollo so back to the city for TGIF's   Lobster will wait until another day :)

On the way back Livi loo passed out cold, poor doll was tuckered out.  Decided on a shower for her then out to supper.

There was a couple melt down moments which I probably reacted to strongly too, but I am still mom and still need to discipline like I normally would.  We got through them and all was well.  It was most definitely an amazing day. So super duper fucking unbelievably awesome to be able to just reach out and touch them.  Poor liv is sick of kisses already me thinks.

Tomorrow is the start of a new treatment week so off we go.  So very tired tonight so in to bed to relax and cuddle with Liv and Kyle to watch a movie.  Nanny can hopefully get a good rest tonight as well.

Good night sweet folks....much love and excitement here tonight xoxo

FUCK CANCER

I DO NOT HAVE A FUCKING EXPIRATION DATE MARKED ON THE BOTTOM OF MY FOOT

Much Love
xoxo

Day 31 Much Better Day

I woke up happier and healthier this morning.  Thanks to some Melatonin I slept until 3am with no interruptions and before going to sleep I said I would not stir unless it was after 6.  So I did not pick up my phone or tablet...and I dozed in and out for the next 3 hours.  It was quite nice to get some rest last night.

I still went to bed in a sad mood but I felt so much better as the day went on and tonight I feel like myself again.  Clinic went super quick. Although everyone that came in to my treatment room walked in cautiously a little bit on eggs shells.  It was kinda cute as they were all very concerned in a good way, it made me feel better as truly we are like a little family there as we are all there for a reason and all battling something (and mostly on our own here) so having others to lean on and rely on close by is nice.

We were even serenaded by Anita (the main nurse) she has a beautiful voice and was wonderful sitting there listening to her.

After clinic we went to the mall to try and find me a head wrap.  I'm losing more hair every day and although it's just thinning quickly the hair every where is driving me nuts.  I can only use my roller so much a day.  No luck on the wrap so will search around looking for something that will work.
After the mall it was on the hunt for food and we ended up at Applebees, had a little treat of spinach and artichoke dip, it wasn't that good, bad cheat Applebees bad!!!
Then on to the outdoor market.  It's a traditional outdoor market with everything just kinda hanging out in the heat all day but you can get produce for next to nothing plus lots of hidden gems along the way.

Anywho, back to the hotel patiently waiting to get on the road to the airport.....I cannot wait to get there and see those two ladies!!!

Only thing missing is my little man, he was snug as a bug at Gram and Grampy's this evening, looking like he's grown in to a little boy the last month.  Can't wait to hold him in my arms and let him plant the kisses he gives to the computer on my face!

Anywho sweet people, signing off tonight.

FUCK YOU CANCER, you WILL NOT BREAK MY SPIRIT!!!

FUCK CANCER

I DO NOT HAVE A FUCKING EXPIRATION DATE MARKED ON MY FOOT!!

Much Love
xoxo

Day 30 is almost over thank fuck

Wasn't going to blog tonight as I truly didn't feel like it.  I wanted to crawl in to bed at the hotel and forget about my life for a bit.  Nothing like a pity party eh.  I try so hard to keep myself positive that I was ashamed I felt the way I did the last couple days.

....but then I remembered why I started this blog to begin with..it was for me.....it turned in to so much more but in the start I did it as I needed to get this shit out of my head.....once out I usually feel calmer and more relaxed.  After a bit I realized that others were finding strength in what I had to say (strange but true) so I continued every day.  I also realize that this good ole cancer fight is an up and down, day in and day out complete mind fuck!!  I always feel like I am battling inside my mind.  Talking to myself to keep my head on straight.

Breath in
Breath out
Peace
Love
Laughter
LIFE
Fight
Die fucker
Breath in
Breath out

Today I had no fight in me.....I did what I had to do and completed each and everyone of my treatments but not without some anger inside while doing so.  I do feel that in order to heal (not necessarily cure) you need to be healthy and happy in your mind, so as I got angrier and sadder I became worse, as all I could think about was that the environment (my body) was not ready to be healed today.  I'm sure the disappointment of Liv and Mom not making it here added to it but I think it's been building for a few days.  Today I felt emotional pain, my physical pain was here in abundance and I just couldn't keep it together.

Thankfully, it's alright...The nurses at clinic took quick notice and started trying to help with hugs and laughs, Miss J provided a delightful hug and pep talk that B joined in later. My sweet husband put a smile on his face and gave my a back/hip massage that left me completely relaxed and took away most of my hip and back pain.  My peeps even though not here are here in spirit and our special guests are safe where they are and should be in our arms within 24 hrs.

It sucks feeling like this especially after so many good things coming together this week but it tis what it tis.

So there you have it sweet folks, things are not always peechy keen. Fighting the good fight is a difficult one and we all have  a different journey.

I vow to wake up tomorrow back in the fight
I vow to do what I need to do to get healthy
I vow to always be honest and open in this battle

If you are reading this and going through something now, remember it is okay to have these moments but we do need to pick ourselves up and keep going and that is what I will do after I gorge on room service eggs benedicts for the second night in a row and have a good sleep tonight.

When things hit the wall today I just wanted to go back to the hotel, climb in bed and hide away.  I didn't and that is my victory today.  I battled through all 60 fucking minutes of that chamber wanting to get out, I wanted the treatments to stop and I wanted my iv unhooked but I fucking didn't!!!

So CANCER-YOU CAN GO FUCK YOURSELF.....you may be in y body but you are not welcome here and I am stronger then you!!!!

I DO NOT HAVE A FUCKING EXPIRATION DATE MARKED ON THE BOTTOM OF MY FOOT!!!

Much Love
xoxo

Day 29

It twas a day of excitement that is ending in some dissapointment. Mom and Liv are stuck in Philly and were initially told not getting out in Saturday at 5:45.  Mom is now in the customer service line up hoping to get some help from above and get out sooner then that.  I hate to be negative but I have to say I'm fucking pissed.  I know it is no fault of anyone or anything but I'm still angry.  Hoping they are able to get a hotel and relax tonight and start fresh tomorrow with an early morning flight.  Love you both to the moon and back xoxoxo

Good thing my hubby is here and knows me well.  We went to the hotel tonight in anticipation of their arrival so after supper back in the room for five minutes hubby hands me the room service menu knowing damn well I'll be ordering again to drown my sorrows :)

Not feeling much more tonight dear folks so it will have to wait until tomorrow.

FUCK CANCER
FUCK WEATHER
FUCK PLANES

but

I DO NOT HAVE A FUCKING EXPIRATION DATE MARKED ON MY FOOT!!!!

Much Love
xoxo


Thought I better add a thankful for list tonight:
Thankful Mom and Liv are enroute
Thankful Kyle and I have each other
Thankful for our beautiful children
Thankful we are constantly surrounded by love
Thankful that today I am as healthy as I can be
Thankful for a strong internet connection
Thankful for room service and eggs benedict with mother fucking hollandaise sauce
Thankful that I am still fucking pissed but am writing a thank-fucking-ful list

Day 28 (a day late)

Sorry folks, a day late getting Day 28 up.  I guess it's a good day when the worst thing to happen to you is not having internet access but my goodness it sure is a pain when it's your mode of contact to home.  I did go to bed early as I was hoping I could get up early and steal some access somewhere.

Anywho, here we are, MY BABY GIRL AND MOMMA are coming TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!  Yay friggin yay, I could jump up and down if I didn't think it would tire me out hhahahhahaha.  I ask Archangel Michael to watch over and protect my Mom and Livia as they make their way here today, then when we drive from San Diego back to Tijuana (because there are no fucks given here in relation to driving and that scares the bejesus outta me) Please keep them safe.

We have more great news yesterday.......Our truck sold!!!!  Thank you JT and BT and all the gang at PM for helping us out yet again.  It's been years since I worked there but it seems like only yesterday xoxoxo  The more stuff we unload the easier day to day financials become so thank you for the help relieving that bill :)  Although sad as we loved that truck, in the end it's only a piece of metal and we can buy another one someday.

WARNING:  FOLLOW UP ON TMI FROM DAY BEFORE
So no go yesterday day :( Spent the day in some pain but manageable by shifting positions all day :)
We left clinic a little late and decided to go out to supper at a fancy smancy restaurant by our apartment.  We all roll in looking not the part but the menu looks delish so we stay.  Had a delicious meal and whammmmm the feeling hit....so off I go.....with a huge fucking smile on my face. (for those who know me know although I'm an open book public pooping was an issue in my past, in recent years not so much)  Anywho, I'm taking my time and doesn't the fucking automatic light go off......COMPLETE PITCH FUCKING DARK!!!  I was like oh dear, this isn't going to end well.  So I figure I'll just open the stall door a bit hoping to trip the sensor.....after taking a min to find the latch no such luck.  Okay plan B......scream for help....nope that is not an option and would be strange and awkward and not necessary.  Problem is I didn't want to mess up groove so I decided to continue....in pitch dark....in a fancy restaurant in Tijuana, Mexico....IN THE PITCH DARK!! haha..
All is well that ends well, was able to find some small relief and have a laugh at the same time.


I do ask for prayers for a fellow patient at the clinic.  B came a couple days ago and had a pretty bad day yesterday with some unforeseen complications.  Please send some prayers to her and her husband as they navigate the next crucial days.

FUCK CANCER!

I DO NOT HAVE A FUCKING EXPIRATION DATE MARKED ON THE BOTTOM OF MY FOOT!

Much Love
xoxo

Day 27 WARNING TMI involved in this post :)

Funny, weird day today.....since starting radiation I always feel like I'm starting my day late...so all my treatments are later....and I do not do late well.  Oh well, let it goooo, let it gooooo...blah blah blah

FYI  TMI about to follow so if you don't want to read about bodily functions do not continue:




So I have to poop (yes I'm 33 and prefer the word poop to bowl movement) quite bad and it just isn't happening....trying some low key natural stuff but so far no luck.....and I've been gassy all fucking day......so in to the chamber I go......close your eyes and picture the chamber.  It's about 8 feet long.  Approx 5.5 feet of it ultimately will be closed with your head sticking out of the right side of it.....it then heats right up....I reached 43.2 body temp today.  So in to the chamber I go and I feel the rumble.....gas is brewing and it happens.....I fart in the chamber.....I have head phones in so I don't move a muscle while trying to look to the left and see if my dear sweet nurse notices....she makes no moves....maybe it was silent (but maybe not) time will tell as I count down the last 10 minutes of chamber time while the fucking fart is baking.....I see her get up and start to unzip me.....it was either not so bad or she has one awesome fucking poker face.  Well that my friends is what happens in my day.....you????

Still super excited about our upcoming visitors, Thursday night cannot come fast enough.  Already started laying the groundwork for getting through treatment super quick Friday and Saturday, had more patients arrive the last couple days so might not be that quick...Here's hoping....with my baby close this momma wants her near.

Anywho, now that I've ruined your breakfast (you're welcome) I'm going to relax for the rest of the evening......Have a good day sweet people

FUCK CANCER

I DO NOT HAVE A FUCKING EXPIRATION DATE MARKED ON THE BOTTOM OF MY FOOT

Much Love
xoxo

Day 26 Lots of great things happening today!

Best news yet, my sweet baby girl and momma are coming to Tijuana.....yay fucking yay!!!

It was so great to tell her and see how excited she got.  Only sucky part is not having Grade.  Just the thought of him being here makes me very nervous.  We are most definitely not use to city living and Tijuana City living at that.  So we think it's best to keep him in Hants County for now :)

Other great thing about today is how when stuff gets shitty my people tattoo :) Love it MS and might steal it and the crown from LB to add to my new one :)

Anywho, it was a good day all in all.  Dr.Bautista told me to relax on food again as I'm not gaining weight and this week might be a down week as he might couple chemo with the radiation. Just waiting to see my latest blood test before we go down that road.

Well, I'm going to go sign off and watch the video of us telling liv over and over until I go to bed  xoxox

FUCK CANCER!!!

I DO NOT HAVE A FUCKING EXPIRATION DATE MARKED ON THE BOTTOM OF MY FOOT!!!

Much Love
xoxo

See you soon Baby girl and my momma xoxoxo

Lazy Lazy day 25

Sitting here in bed (yup it's 2pm) after a long ass nap, I did get up and take some meds but right back to bed :)

It's a rainy ole day here in Tijuana which messed up our day of touring but I think the universe knew a rest day was needed and sent some nice cool rain to cool us off and show us to relax today.  No I'm not saying the Universe is doing this just for me but I am saying sometimes instead of looking at the negative (plans messed up) maybe we should focus on the good (having an easy rest day)

Now I'm going to get deep:

That's how I feel about this disease, yes it sucks the big one, yes I still wish it wasn't true but, and I mean a big BUT.....I see things so very different now...When I've loved I've always loved with all I had but now it means so much more.  Our family has been show such love and support that there is no way to walk around with our heads hung low in pity.  We have been blessed with so many things in this world that this is just a hurdle we have to jump.  No matter what the road we travel and no matter what the outcome I'm happy to have been able to live the life I am!!

FYI we are all terminal, we are all dying!!!  No one gets out alive at the end of this and we have no fucking clue when our time is up.  So stop grumbling and start living. I've always loved birthdays and taken each year as a badge of honour....and so should you!!!  Celebrate it, love the ones who treat you right, forget about those who don't (in all honesty they don't deserve you anyway)  and why in hell would you spend your precious time and energy on someone who wouldn't do the same for you.  Hold you babies so very close as they are the biggest blessing of life but don't forget to parent as who wants assholes for kids :)  (that will elicit a response I'm sure)

I'm rambling today, I guess that's what happened when you relax :)

Anywho, best part of my day has been seeing videos and pics of liv at her dance recital.  So very proud of her and her Glam Girls and how far they've come this year.  I was very hesitant putting a 5 year old in a "competitive" anything but in the end she wanted to be with her friends and I'm so glad she pushed for it.  So fun watching her, only thing that would make it better would be to see her in person.  Soon enough....the splits did shock me though :)

Other best part was having some time with Grade on facetime, love love love seeing that sweet little babies smile...he smiles with all he has and just warms my heart to see it.  Cannot wait to get him in my arms and snuggle the bezeesus out of him :)

My poor children will not be able to get away from me for a while!!

Time to sign off and have another nap me thinks....have lots of Cancer fighting to do this week!!!

EDIT:  To put things in to perspective a little more. The little 6 yr old boy from the clinic was in my treatment room Saturday. We were chatting and playing our instruments on our iPads. Him his piano and me drums. We were talking and I joked about him getting a job. He said he was to young and I agreed that he should just be a kid and the sweet doll said..." I am, I do kid stuff and get chemo"  So the next time you feel like FML (hate this one by the way) because your fav TV show isn't on or God forbid your phone breaks think about that little fella and how to him being a kid is getting his chemo.


FUCK CANCER

I DO NOT HAVE A FUCKING EXPIRATION DATE MARKED ON THE BOTTOM OF MY FOOT!!

TIJUANA LAZY (today)

Much Love
xoxo