Here's goes nothing......

Holy shit, flights have been booked (Thank you TT & LT)....we are officially heading to Mexico for treatment.  Call me crazy, that's alright with me, but when your told regardless of what you do there are no promises you look outside the box and do what you can to be as healthy moving forward!!!

I am so unbelievable anxious to leave my babies but do think this is the best thing. I will miss them dearly and hope I can figure out a way to be away from them that long, I have to really!.  This momma hasn't been away from them for more then a couple days.  I know they will be well taken care but it's still difficult to not be here with them.  Hoping this will help me be here for them for a longgggg time!!! 

I declare that I am STRONG

I declare that I am GOING TO GET HEALTHY

I declare I am FULL OF POWER, STRENGTH and DETERMINATION

FUCK YOU CANCER!!!

I DO NOT HAVE A FUCKING EXPIRATION DATE MARKED ON THE BOTTOM OF MY FOOT!!

HANTS COUNTY STRONG!

Much Love

xoxox

:(

It's hard to think about yourself and what you're going through when something tragic happens to truly good people, salt of the earth down right good people.  I pray you are able to find strength in each other and know many are here for you!

Today I am Thankful I have the opprotunity to fight my demon

HANTS COUNTY STRONG!!!!!

What to do

As a human we always have choices, every day we are faced with choices and for me I've always made them with realtive ease.  As many know we have been researching treatment away.  At this point anything to try and help us with our miracle or at the very least extend my life with the best quality of life is worth a shot but my goodness I've been back and forth on this a zillion times.  The hardest part is leaving the kids. I've not been away from them for more then a couple nights at a time and by day 2 I'm usually done.

 I was conacted via facebook by DW (Thank you) and given the name of a lady from Halifax who went to this facility who highly reccommends it.  After a few emails back and forth and my mom tracking her down for a convo we all started to feel really good about this but still leaving my babies for that time is so very very hard.  Do I really want to miss 6 weeks if my days are numbered. Must push that out of my head and move on.  Maybe this will give me years with them.....but maybe it won't.

Last night was shitty, as while I was wide awake having thi internal struggle Liv jumped in to bed with me and snuggled in tight....well that set me off...I came downstairs to get my shit together and after about 10 minutes the little bugger came looking for me.  Liv has always been very sensitive to others feelings and emotions and this was no difference.  That snuggle was by far the best of life and thank goodness we had another snow day today to snuggle in bed a bit longer.

I feel I need to go
I can't explain why
But I feel it
For Fuck Sakes
Such a roller coaster ride of emotions!!!!!!

FUCK YOU CANCER

I DO NOT HAVE A FUCKING EXPIRATION DATE MARKED ON THE BOTTOM OF MY FOOT!

HANTS COUNTY STRONG

Much Love
Xoxo

Snow Day!!

For anyone who really knows me, they know I love the weather.  I love tracking it, love watching it and am in complete awe of it and I LOVEEEEEEEE a good ole snow storm.  Now I hope each and every person is safe and that there is not property damage and the such but for me a snow day means hunkering down with some yummy treats with loved ones and no where to go!!!! Staying home and hanging out together!!!  Mind you hunkering down as a wife with children has a whole different theme when compared to hunkering down in my early twenties, it's still the very best!!


Please stay put and enjoy your fam and be safe ya'll

Much Love Ya'll

FUCK CANCER

I DO NOT HAVE FUCKING EXPIRATION DATE MARKED ON THE BOTTOM OF MY FOOT!

HANTS COUNTY STRONG

HANTS COUNTY STRONG BABY!!

Oh my goodness, this has been such a day.....a crazy, overwhelming, sad, happy, exhilirating, hopeful, loving, caring day so unbelievablely full of LOVE, LIFE, LAUGHTER and a community standing beside us FIGHTING!!!

With each new face lit with a smile I saw hope and love and what we need to get through the days ahead.  Like I mentioned on FB my only regret of the day was not being able to hug and say a proper thank you to each and every one of you.

I have no where else to go with this but to say THANK YOU!

I usually do not like to single certain people out as I would hate to miss someone but today I think the BREAD RUN girls need a special shout out....so Thank you girls....you all hold a special place in our hearts xoxoxox

FUCK CANCER

I DO NOT HAVE A FUCKING EXPIRATION DATE MARKED ON THE BOTTOM OF MY FOOT

HANTS COUNTY STRONG!!!!!!!

Much Love
xoxo

No words x2

I've been thinking in "blog posts" all day....trying to find a way to truly put in to words how we feel about all the support we are and have been receiving but alas I have nothing spectacular to say.  I don't know if people truly understand just how amazing they are.  The monetary side is so very welcome but my goodness.....the amount of time and energy people have put in to the various fundraisers taking place, taking their time to drop off food, send messages, come visit, send a special gift, setting up of secret back door medical meetings :)....whatever it may be is simply amazing.  I was starting to feel a bit down after Thursdays appointment but today was such a great day.  I woke up with tonnes of energy and got to see family I haven't seen in while.  People are arriving and planning to come out to the Fun Run tomorrow and its just so overwhelming. Even though I have been saying I was most definielty going, truth be told I've been back and forth.  I wasn't sure if I could actually "show up" but after seeing and hearing about everyone else talk about going there is no way I would miss it.  I need Livia and Grade to see and experience the selfless acts of kindess towards our family.  I need to share this with everyone....so see you all tomorrow!!

Thank you to The Bread Run Gals, you are all very special people xoxxoxo

FUCK YOU CANCER!

I DO NOT HAVE A FUCKING EXPIRATION DATE MARKED ON MY FOOT!

HANTS COUNTY STRONG BABY!!!

Much Love
xoxo

It's real....

I still held out Hope that at today's appointment there would be a flash mob that would surround me and let me in on the secret that it was all a big joke.

It's not a joke

It's real

Yes, I do have Stage 4 gastric cancer and the PET scan showed more. It is in my stomach, lymphnodes in the abdomen, lymphnodes in the chest, upper lung and bone (C5 vertebrae, pelvis femur and a couple more spot I can't remember)

The stage diagnosis does not change and treatment does not change,  just makes it more real and scarier.  

Today was not a good day

Your mind goes to a zillion different places but my focus always comes back to my sweet sweet babies.  I just want to hug them and hold them forever.  I just want to watch them grow and mature and see the special things they will do and for them to know just how much I love them. 

I don't understand

I don't get it

I don't know why

The positive of the day.  Nothing in my breast, and my kidneys are good.  Now to make treatment decisions and get this shit on the road.  

I keep trying to think I'm lucky as I have this chance to enjoy the time I do have, to say the goodbyes many do not get to say, to kiss and hug the people I love one more time but the other part says fuck this....it's not fair and I WANT MORE  and I'm not going down without a fight. 

Thankfully my calvary showed up again and even though it was difficult to have those moments with my loved ones I'm oh so glad they were here by my side.  I need each and every one of you and Thank You for being here yet again. 

FUCK YOU CANCER!

I DO NOT HAVE A FUCKING EXPIRATION DATE MARKED ON MY FOOT!!

Hants County Strong!

What the F

Here we sit at the mother fucking cancer clinic....using mother fucking in a "can't believe I'm here kinda thing"  

Even though I'm super anxious it's a nice place, there is a volunteer going around handing out treats, Kyle loves that haha

I'll update this post later with how things went, or maybe I won't and you'll have to wait until tomorrow :)

Here goes nothing!!!

Yesterday was a shitty day, emotions running high, feelings getting hurt....remember ya'll we're all here for the same reason. SMACK!!!  That  was me hitting the reset button....let's do this!!!

FUCK YOU CANCER

I DO NOT HAVE A FUCKING EXPIRATION DATE MARKED ON THE BOTTOM OF MY FOOT!!!!

HANTS COUNTY STRONG baby!!!!

Much Love

xoxo

Meatballs without Sauce

It's a strange feeling to have so many different thoughts and emotions going on at the same time and such conflicting emotions at that.   I'm thankful I have the time I have as life is precious and we never truly know when our time is up, but I'm so fucking pissed that I have this stupid disease (yes I said stupid) and that my family has to deal with this.  I only want to spend every waking minute with my kids and husband, friends and family but at the same time don't want to be around them as I picture their lives without me and I can't handle it.  I want to fight but am so tired at the same time and I haven't really started my battle yet.  Tomorrow is a fresh day, new day so we will smile and joke our way through it to fight another day.  Here's another big ole FUCK YOU CANCER!!! 

I DO NOT HAVE A FUCKING EXPIRATION DATE ON THE BOTTOM OF MY FOOT BITCHES!!!!!!

Hants County STRONG!!!

Much Love

xo

Another day in paradise

Today was a good day, a great day.

The wonderful Jessica of Jessica Thomas Photography came to our home and took pictures of our family.  I loved the idea of "lifestyle" photos when she first mentioned the idea but I fell more in love with them once I saw them.  She did an amazing job!!! It all went pretty good minus when it came time for Kyle and I to get pictures of just us.  I figured it would be pics with the kids but this one got me.  I love him more then anything (even though I literally wanted to throat punch him when he started to make pudding tonight, yes I lost my shit over pudding) and it broke my heart to get that pic, but I'm glad we did. Jess girl, you rock!!!!  I love and will cherish each of them, even if you told me just to "do what you said without any questions"  haha

https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.620968364698752.1073741893.217697488359177&type=1

Around lunch time everyone started showing up again, me thinks they wuv me, and I wuv them :)

This is a pretty big week coming up with at least 3 days spent in hospitals at appointments.  Archangel Michael please cut the fear from my body and Archangel Gabriel please allow me to communicate what I would like to the professionals I will be meeting with (preferably without dropping a few f-bombs)

FUCK YOU CANCER

I DO NOT HAVE A FUCKING EXPIRATION DATE ON THE BOTTOM OF MY FOOT

and lastly

HANTS COUNTY STRONG baby :)

Much Love
xoxoxoq

That kinda day

This morning was a shitty one, I haven't had a day like this in a week or so and this morning it hit me like a tonne of bricks....and it fucking sucked.  The more I cried the harder it was to slow down and stop.

I was laying on the couch and Kyle hollered at Grade (not in a "I'm a bad hollering parent kinda of way...more of a....hey baby stop being a crazy baby touching everything kinda way" and my thought was "Kyle don't holler at the baby as you're taking for granted that you'll always be here for him, think of me and the fact that I might not be here"  I cried because it was unfair of me to think that, I cried because I might not be here.....fuck!

It was so something I would holler at him for and it was nothing Kyle did (he's such a great husband and father) but it hit me and I couldn't stop.  I tried taking a minute alone to calm my shit down but it just made me cry harder, I tried showering and it just made me cry harder....I didn't know you could cry that hard.  It sucked :(

I know it's normal but I don't like that feeling and I don't like how I feel afterwards.  I've been dealt this hand and need to find a way to get through it with somewhat of a smile on my face for fuck sakes!!!

Thankfully Mand and the girls showed up, then Liz.  They obviously knew something was up and the cavalry was called in and there was a full house for the rest of the day.  This girl right here has the best people of life in her world and I love ya all lots xoxox

What I am thankful for today:

My Kick Ass Husband Kyle, this guy has stood by my side every minute of every day since the 22nd, At the sign of anything askew he jumps right in and takes care of it. He always has my back xo
My Awesome Friends and Family
The Juicer
Pete's Frutique
Arbys (Thanks Buffett)
The fact that I have the chance to fight this and if not spend many more moments with the people that matter
I have two absolutely beautiful children
Thanks for the visits today, they were much needed


Today, Cancer, You can go FUCK yourself.  You're messing with the wrong girl, because even if I have a shitty day there's a ga-zillion others waiting to take you on

FUCK YOU CANCER

I DO NOT HAVE A FUCKING EXPIRATION DATE ON MY FOOT

Much Love
xoxo

HANTS COUNTY STRONG!!!!!

Missed a day......

Sorry folks, this momma was oh so tired yesterday and there was no blogging happening.  

My friggin iron is super low so I'm blaming it on that. 

On a good note I had an iron infusion booked today so starting that weekly again should make a difference in a few weeks.  

I also received info on my PET scan, next week it is.  It's a weird feeling, wanting things to move along but then getting nervous when they happen, strange!!

I have been trying my darndest to bulk up and with much help (or annoying as fuck pestering from loved ones) I seem to be going up a bit.  Thank god, now friends and family lay off :) 

I'm still blown away with all the community support.....so much love xoxoxox

FUCK YOU CANCER

I DO NOT HAVE A FUCKING EXPIRATION MARKED ON THE BOTTOM OF MY FOOT!!!

Much Love 

xo

Big Girl Panties Put On....

......well for 20 mins anyway.....I am HOME by MYSELF

Wish me luck :)

Edited: 9pm

This morning I spent a whole 20 mins by myself and this afternoon I spent about 15.  Woot woot

I was always very much a lover of alone time, revelled in it really but since the diagnosis I find needing to constantly occupy my mind with people.  That way I can stay upbeat and positive.  I do hope I can find ways to deal when alone so I can go have that hr long bath with no one around but for now I stillask Kyle or liv to come while I have a shower....haha....don't come visit unless you're willing to come hang out in the bathroom with me :)

Visitors were here for supper and my sweet baby boy came back after being away at Gram and Grampy's for a couple nights.  I have found out 1 night is enough :) 

One Day at a Time.......FUCK YOU CANCER

I DO NOT HAVE A FUCKING EXPIRATION DATE MARKED ON THE BOTTOM OF MY FOOT

Much Love 

xo

It's a Tuesday

I can only think of one thing worse then going through this right now and that would be having to watch my babies go through it or fear that they will have to go through it.  I had read a bit about the genetic side of things but just barely skimmed over it.  A couple of the doctors involved in my initial surgery and diagnosis talked and felt because of the type of cancer it could be genetic. So off to genetic screening I go.  If you have been praying please pray it is not and that my sweet children do not have to worry about this fucking shit!! Should this be my fate so be it but please protect them. xoxo

Tonight was nice, had a bit or normal with my girl Mand out for supper at the spitfire.  Was nice to have some good ole belly laughs and just not be at home.

Lots of wonderful visitors again today....you all make my heart happy.  I may actually try and be by myself for a little bit tomorrow.....maybe 

I am however having a bit of a hard time not talking about "The Cancer" 

I apologise for not being able to not talk about it

It's all I really know right now

It's all I think about

Please know in time that should calm down some and I can have a normal conversation 

I hope

FUCK YOU CANCER

I DO NOT HAVE A FUCKING EXPIRATION DATE MARKED ON THE BOTTOM OF MY FOOT!!!!!

Much Love ya'll 

xo

Scoping out Mondays

Scope=Fun, nothing like hanging out in a waiting room with 6 other half dressed adults in the prettiest of the pretties hospital outfits.  One lady was complaining like no ones business so I took a page out of my "how to deal with cranky Christmas shoppers the week before Christmas book" 

See when confronted by a cranky Christmas shopper one must start singing Christmas carols out loud to them and smile.  So when she was really getting out of hand I started "Let it go, let it go, letttt it gooooooo.....then hummed it loudly and a miracle happened..she stopped"  Although the other patients thought I was off my rocker it was amusing to me. 

The scope itself wasn't that bad as it went quite quickly.  I did however get a strange look from the Doctor when I asked if he would tell me "right then and there if it was all a big fucking joke and I really was a ok"

He thought that was hilarious and we laughed and laughed and laughed....not really but I found a little hope out of it. 

Oh well, the worse part was not eating until suppertime, even though there is not much room in my stomach these days I still like to get my eat on and that we did. Kyle and I kinda had a date night...right :)

Lots of paperwork to fill out this evening so off I go.

Much Love

I HAVE NO EXPIRATION DATE MARKED ON THE BOTTOM OF MY FUCKING FOOT!!!

FUCK YOU CANCER!!!

Sunday's are fun days

Lots more visitors today...seems like our house is a revolving door of people, I love every minute of it! Every chaotic stinking minute of it!

On my way out the door tonight livi had a bit of a breakdown (not specifcically cancer related) but most definitely mommy related.  I asked if she wanted to come with me and was all over it. I was going to moms with the other gals helping with the Feb auction. Ended up  snuggling with livi in mom and Dons room watching cartoons while my super amazing family and friends collaborated in the living room....for my family....spending time away from theirs....for mine. If there's one thing that holds more value then anything is TIME!! The financial help is most definitely appreciated but your TIME is so very valued and again a big ole Thank You xoxoxoxo

I am asking for some extra thoughts tomorrow as I go for my scope in the afternoon tomorrow....breath in....breath out and just make it through the day. One day at a time.

FUCK YOU CANCER!

I DO NOT HAVE A FUCKING EXPIRATION DATE ON THE BOTTOMR OF MY FOOT!!!!

Loving life

Today was a "normal-ish" day!! I crave a normal boring day. 

It was Liv's dance-a-thon day in Hantsport so we hit up that event a little after 10. We were only there a few minutes when we realized Grady was not going to last so Kyle took him for a drive. We were only planning on staying for 30 minutes but after seeing her having fun I decided to stay for a while. It was great to see her flit across the dance floor, I've always loved watching her partake in activities and this was no different. Besides when I started to think about what if this is the last time I get to see her  at a dance-a-thon!  What if I'm not here!! Fuck it makes me so angry....so I have my moment and try to push it out. None of us know if we'll be here tomorrow so why dwell on it. Archangel Michael cut away this fear....please!

Livi and I arrived home after 3 and guest started to arrive. I had friends come down from NB so we planned a little get together. I love having them all around. I feel normal and my mind doesn't wander....at some point I will have to learn how to be alone again....but for today we pot luck and break bread with some pretty fabulous people xoxo

HANTS COUNTY STRONG

FUCK CANCER 

and last but not least 

I DO NOT HAVE A FUCKING EXPIRATION DATE STAMPED ON MY FOOT!!!!!!

We should obviously write a parenting book....or not

"The Talk" happened...

....and it wasn't near as bad as I thought it would be.  We asked that we have no visitiors this afternoon on so the kids and us could just chill out for a bit (up to this point we needed desperately to have lots around) We sat down in the living room, well actually Kyle Liv and I sat....Grady was laying on his couch trying to sit on his head :) I started the convo by talking to them about how my belly has been hurting (Liv understood as I'm still recovering from the surgery) and that becuase of the doctors we found that mommy has cancer.  The psychologists we talked to said she would somewhat get it because week three in school she had learned about Terry Fox.  First thing my sweet daughter did was point at my boob and say I know what that is and pointed at my boob.  She then said like the run.  Then I remembered I had taken her to the Run for  Cure in Wolfville in the fall so we had talked about why we were there and what it all meant then.  She said she wasn't scared and that it was okay.  She then asked if there was a run for mommy, the best part of the convo was that I could say "well there sure is Liv, you see we live in this kick ass community called Hants County, and there are these kick ass people who are planning a run in support of our family, and there are these kick ass people suporting the run and us" (I didn't actually say it like that but that's how it played out in my head)  With that her eyes lit up and the conversation went very well.  She asked some questions and poor grade just ran around, silly fella. It was suggested to have him there regardles of his age and how it could have gone (complete and utter emotional breakdown from all of us) as when he is older should I be here or not, when he asks if he was involved it can be said, yes baby yes you were!!!!

At the end I will post my notes I used during the conversation so those of you have asked can have something to go off.  It's a tough one but they are surprising little buggers. 

I feel the need to again mention our gratitude as we scan all that is happening and in the works for our family.  No one can fuck with us here in Hants County (and beyond) I had a minor breakdown reading everything but It wasn't for what we are about to face but our of pure joy from what is happening to support us.  We can take on the world!!!  FB has gotten ahead of me tonight so again please excuse me if I haven't replied, but I can assure you we've read most everything and appreciate each and every friggin word.  I can feel myself getting stronger with each sentence!!!!

FUCK YOU CANCER

I DO NOT HAVE A FUCKING EXPIRATION DATE STAMPED ON THE BOTTOM OF MY FOOT!!!!!!!!!!

Below are my notes used to keep us on track during the conversation, If you are talking to you kids and have any questions please let me know.  Note: they have not been told any prognosis, and it is not Lisa's cancer....it is "the Cancer" and we're going to kill that shit

2-3 Min long conversation (Don't over do it) 

Write out your main points:

One parent/caregiver needs to keep it together (Kids need to know they will be taken care of/loved)

You know mommy has been having tummy problems, the doctors found some cancer in mommy's tummy

There are lots of different kinds of cancer, not sure of everything as we are just waiting to find out what i need to do to kill the cancer (do not use my cancer, your cancer, Lisa's cancer...it's "the cancer"

Addressing the die question:

There are lots of different kinds of cancer

Some people get medication and do well and live for a long time and some people don't live as long and some people do die of cancer but no one i thinking about mommy dying.  

We will let you know more when we find it out.  

More info:

If you hear anything different at school or dance or from anyone else just talk to momma and daddy because we know what is going on.

Not crying because momma is going to die, people cry because this is upsetting and this is scary

Momma has a bad disease called Cancer and lots of people are helping us fight this disease to kill it

NOTHING SOMEONE SAID OR DID MADE MOMMA GET CANER

If tough questions are answered:

Wow liv that's a good question, let me think about it 

or

Wow liv that's a good question, I'll find out the answer

If people brush her off and get awkward, always refer back to parents. Acknowledge it, yes mommy has a bad disease but we will fight it. 

It is alright for children to forget it (while at school, activities) it is a good thing and it's okay.  Mommy and Daddy don't want you thinking about it all the time.  

We are always here and will answer your questions.  

What some people will say:

Are you getting them counselling: not unless there are red flags, 

If we are caught crying:

It's because we are scared

We are angry

We are frustrated but it's alright

Make sure all children are present so that down the road when children ask if they were involved you can say yes. 

No words, Hants County Strong Baby!!!

Me not having anything to say is shocking in itself, but I find I'm at a loss for words.  The response from people far and wide has been astonishing.  People had been asking since day 1 when they could do some fund raisers, we were very hesitant as we're much more comfortable on the giving side and held off giving the go ahead.  A couple days ago we gave the go ahead, basically it was put to us "People just want to help" and i got this, it sunk in.  Even though it is humbling and so very appreciated by my family I find the community coming together to be the greatest blessing. 

I have been trying to keep up with messages/email/texts/posts and such.  If I missed you I apologize and send a big ole hug and kiss xoxoxox

I'm starting to feel a little stressed about talking to the kiddos tomorrow night but now more then ever feel like it has to happen.  Even though I want to protect her from the bad and scary I want to show her all the good coming from this.  I know it's hard to comprehend finding the good in this but from my side of things all I see is LOVE baby....our support group is unwavering and seeing the community come together to help us is astonishing!!!! I cannot fucking believe what you all are doing!!!!

Much Love my loves and Hants County Proud!!

I DO NOT HAVE A FUCKING EXPIRATION DATE ON THE BOTTOM OF MY FOOT!!!

FUCK YOU CANCER!!!!

Amazing Response

I know it's hard to read the shit I posted, it sucks, but a big ole Thank you to each and every one of you for the positivity I've received since I put it out to the world last night.  It was a quick decision thing but oh so glad I did.

Today will be a happy day, today will be a good day, today we laugh and smile and dance party!!!

I DO NOT HAVE A FUCKING EXPIRATION DATE ON THE BOTTOM OF MY FOOT!!

FUCK YOU CANCER!!

Living the dream

I have no words today, I'm not really sure what I expected.  To be told that it was all a big mistake, they were wrong and I would have a little surgery and life would go back to normal. I could go back to brushing out Livs hair while curisng and scream bloody murder for Grady to get down off the side of the couch before he tumbles off.  

It  started out frustrating as at the doc appointment they had nothing, no path reports and nothing to talk about really.  Well, beside the fact that there is no surgery and if it is what they "think" it is it is not curable.  Don't tell me it's not curable, dont tell me you'll try and prolong my life....tell me I'm going to fight right beside you....and we'll kill this shit!!  

I got the call once we returned home and even though we had been told the news that it was stage 4 Gastric Cancer and that I had a year to live it was so sickening to hear that it was indeed that.  To hear that it maybe started in the breast and more tests are going to happen.  To hear that it was where it was and that now I would most definielty have to start that battle for my life, for my childrens life, for my family tore my heart out again, at least I was hoped up on some narcotics the first go around (post op)

I only want to see my babies grow in to the amaizing people I know they will be, to take Grady to his first day of school, go prom dress shopping with Livi.  FUCK!!!!

I will not take no for an answer and I will not back down.

We did however have a great conversation with JH a psychologist in Hfx about how to talk to Livi and Grade as hard as it is going to be, we are going to do it Friday evening, hardest talk of life.  

FUCK YOU CANCER, I Do not have and expiration date on the bottom of my foot.  

Day before my first Appointment

What happens the day before you go to your first appointment with the Surgical Oncologist.  Your friends convene upon your house with food and drinks.  My god I love you people!

Tonight I feel no fear, I feel no hesitation, I feel no worry....I only feel love, for that sweet friends and family I LOVE YOU
FUCK YOU Cancer

Tomorrow, we will get through the day and start this thing.  I've felt like I have been in a holding pattern and just want to get going.  I've already started my battle, it may be internal but I feel that is where I need to start.  Keep positive, happy and laughing!!
FUCK YOU Cancer!!!

The day it all changed

Trying to wake up from surgery,  seeing your husband come to your side crying.  My first thought was "am I alive", he grabbed my hand and I knew I was. I also couldn't figure out why the clock on the wall read after midnight.  I went in at 7 and it was suppose to be 1hr long surgery.  Something must have gone wrong!
Within a few minutes I felt surrounded by doctors, I didn't understand why they were they.  The plan was remove the benign ovarian tumour, I would recover and live happily ever after.  Not so fucking much! The doctors started to explain that while removing the tumour they found it was in fact cancerous, not only that but I had a large tumour in my stomach and had stomach cancer.  I instantly felt numb.  Was it the drugs I was on, was it my body shutting down emotions (I'll blame it on the drugs)

The next 12 hours were a blur, I was taken back to my room where my mom and step-dad had been waiting.  I could tell they had all been crying but I couldn't find a tear yet.  Through the night there was no sleep as I was poked and given pills and such.  The next morning more of the same.  More doctors visited and when I asked how bad I was given nothing.  I was then visited by another doctor who would give the blow, I had Stage 4 Stomach Cancer and was given a year to live!!! A fucking year!!!!!  I have a wonderful husband, two sweet babies amazing friends and family and a whole life to live and they said I had a year with aggressive treatments!  The tears started, all I could picture was my children, Livia and Grady.  All I wanted to do was run (or at that time be wheeled) to them, hug them, kiss them, tell them I loved them, wrap my arms around them and never let go.  At the same time I couldn't face them, how could I?  How could I look them in the eyes after being told you have a year.

Throughout the morning people were called and started showing up in droves.
This was the 23rd of December and when people should have been home with their families they were there with us.

By Christmas Eve I was still hesitant to go home, I wanted to be home and celebrate Christmas with my kids but I still wanted to hide away from them, spare them from this reality. Even though the Doctor preferred me to stay I made the decision that I wanted to go home around 4pm.  My army of friends broke me out and we were home by 6pm.  My house had been moved around so I could be in the living room and enjoy the holidays with everyone.  Even though I was pretty out of er it was so very great to be there and be able to partake in everything.  Initially I wanted the news kept in until I could wrap my head around it but it started to get out and more people started showing up.  A week post surgery and after many messages asking if what they had heard was true I decided to take control and put the word out, let people know what was going on, put it all on the table!

The response has been absolutely heartwarming.  That's when I first caught the glimpse of what love and support was out there.  You see we live in a small community but a community so supportive and full of love it would blow your mind.

Right now we are waiting for my team appointment on Wednesday, January 7, 2015  I think once we have a plan in place and know what it coming down the pipe we can start moving forward.  I still have moments of being tired but think that's par for the course after a big surgery.

What I do know today:

I DO NOT HAVE A FUCKING EXPIRATION DATE STAMPED ON MY FOOT

I have an unbelievable amount of love and support

I WILL FIGHT