Day 30 is almost over thank fuck

Wasn't going to blog tonight as I truly didn't feel like it.  I wanted to crawl in to bed at the hotel and forget about my life for a bit.  Nothing like a pity party eh.  I try so hard to keep myself positive that I was ashamed I felt the way I did the last couple days.

....but then I remembered why I started this blog to begin with..it was for me.....it turned in to so much more but in the start I did it as I needed to get this shit out of my head.....once out I usually feel calmer and more relaxed.  After a bit I realized that others were finding strength in what I had to say (strange but true) so I continued every day.  I also realize that this good ole cancer fight is an up and down, day in and day out complete mind fuck!!  I always feel like I am battling inside my mind.  Talking to myself to keep my head on straight.

Breath in
Breath out
Peace
Love
Laughter
LIFE
Fight
Die fucker
Breath in
Breath out

Today I had no fight in me.....I did what I had to do and completed each and everyone of my treatments but not without some anger inside while doing so.  I do feel that in order to heal (not necessarily cure) you need to be healthy and happy in your mind, so as I got angrier and sadder I became worse, as all I could think about was that the environment (my body) was not ready to be healed today.  I'm sure the disappointment of Liv and Mom not making it here added to it but I think it's been building for a few days.  Today I felt emotional pain, my physical pain was here in abundance and I just couldn't keep it together.

Thankfully, it's alright...The nurses at clinic took quick notice and started trying to help with hugs and laughs, Miss J provided a delightful hug and pep talk that B joined in later. My sweet husband put a smile on his face and gave my a back/hip massage that left me completely relaxed and took away most of my hip and back pain.  My peeps even though not here are here in spirit and our special guests are safe where they are and should be in our arms within 24 hrs.

It sucks feeling like this especially after so many good things coming together this week but it tis what it tis.

So there you have it sweet folks, things are not always peechy keen. Fighting the good fight is a difficult one and we all have  a different journey.

I vow to wake up tomorrow back in the fight
I vow to do what I need to do to get healthy
I vow to always be honest and open in this battle

If you are reading this and going through something now, remember it is okay to have these moments but we do need to pick ourselves up and keep going and that is what I will do after I gorge on room service eggs benedicts for the second night in a row and have a good sleep tonight.

When things hit the wall today I just wanted to go back to the hotel, climb in bed and hide away.  I didn't and that is my victory today.  I battled through all 60 fucking minutes of that chamber wanting to get out, I wanted the treatments to stop and I wanted my iv unhooked but I fucking didn't!!!

So CANCER-YOU CAN GO FUCK YOURSELF.....you may be in y body but you are not welcome here and I am stronger then you!!!!

I DO NOT HAVE A FUCKING EXPIRATION DATE MARKED ON THE BOTTOM OF MY FOOT!!!

Much Love
xoxo