Day 49 Putting it all out on the table tonight.....

The last few days have been horrible.  Horribly crappy and I've just been pissed and sad and upset and just plain scared.  I've not experienced pain like this before and it has only intensified in the last few days.  In my mind every new pain means more cancer, more scary fucking cancer.  The doctors and nurses did their best to control and maintain it but were unable to really get in front of it.  I met with a pain guy today and am now on a special regiment that should help ease things.  What's causing it?  I had a scan yesterday of my spine and have a couple other spots of concern, one trying to break through the membrane which is causing the nastiness.  Regardless I'm back for radiation which should help and I can heal again.  For the most part I'm still doing my day to day treatments when possibly so ticking away like normal(ish) considering I want to rip everyones smiling fucking face off :)  kidding

I try so hard to think, there is always someone worse and not dwell on just me, it's not all about me but I have to say it was a little difficult to remember that the last couple days.  I have been babied beyond belief by my nurses, dr, roommates, Kyle and everyone so to you all Thank you!!!! I really needed the pick me ups yesterday.

Shitty part is when i feet like this I just want to run home, run home to my babies!!! I do still feel this is where I need to be but I lose myself in wanting them and wanting home.  I don't want the FUCKING CANCER TO win and WIN YOU WILLLLLLL NOTTTTT

I DO NOT WANT TO DIE AND I WILL NOT LET YOU TAKE ME!!!!!

When I picture my life, I mean really picture it I only see me and my family years down the road.  I see many years watching my babies grow, Kyle and I growing old pestering the shit out of each other.  Enjoying our friends and families and just plain living the good fucking LIFE!!!!

Had a g ood chat with my momma tonight (everyone still needs this mom) and she helped get my head back in the game and back at er.

So moving forward.  You had your down days and it's time to buck the fuck up and get on it.  Get this pain under control or get high trying (haha)

FUCK CANCER

I DO NOT HAVE A FUCKING EXPIRATOIN DATE MARKED ON THE BOTTOM OF MY FOOT

Much Love
xoxox

CANCER, you can go FUCK YOURSELF!!!!